McClellan, McKiernan, Whatever
George B. McClellan here. I am writing you urgently about last evening’s goddamned debate, where you cited my comments on Afghanistan as a defense for Senator McCain’s proposed “surge” in Afghanistan. The goddamned media is really all over you. They say you didn’t mean to refer to me. That I’ve been dead since 1885, and you clearly meant General David D. McKiernan. They say you don’t know what you’re talking about. Don’t worry Palin, you stick to your guns. They said the same things about me after Antietam, goddamn sunken road. You’ve got a good future ahead of you.
The problem though, Palin, and I’ll be blunt, is that history has not remembered me kindly. They say that I couldn’t put away Robert E. Lee. They say I was a coward. They say I was elected Governor of New Jersey and didn’t even know it. I’m pretty fucked.
Accordingly I respectfully ask that you refrain from quoting me or implying my support in this campaign. People just don’t like you guys. It won’t do. Let me clear a few things up:
1. I know John McCain. John and I fought side by side in Mexico. We threw back a bourbon and loved some whores in TJ. We had our fun. But that man doesn’t know how to win a war any more than I knew how to beat Robert E. Lee. What the hell is he talking about? Win wars? Back in Mexico if you got captured you’d chew off your goddamned leg and bleed to death, that’s what you’d do, not end up with lithographs of yourself in some box all over the goddamned internet. Win what war? Come on.
2. I learned something important in that Summer of 1862. You don’t dally. If there’s an enemy that attacked you, you goddamned well better go after them where they live and fast. I took my sweet time, Palin, just like McCain and that goddamned Bush have spent five years johnny-booting around in the Ottoman Empire. A lot of men died. I know. You two listen to that Karzai and that goddamned Muslim you’re running against.
3. Alaska is a backwater. Good Mary Molly and Joseph. Goddamned Andrew Johnson’s polar bear garden for $7.2 million dollars! Come on. Also you said “up there” so many times last night I didn’t know if you were talking about heaven or Alaska, and you probably didn’t either.
Seriously Sarah, just leave me out of this. I fought hard and I loved those men of the Potomac. I know from strategies that work and strategies that keep you on a goddamned bloody lane years longer than you need to be. You’re on the wrong side of history here, just like me. You’re running against goddamned Abe Lincoln. You can’t win this and you shouldn’t.
Give John my best.
Sincerely and most respectfully,
General George B. McClellan
cc: Adm. Seward; First Dude; Gwen Ifill.About The Author - Ben Wyskida is a writer, activist, conscientious hedonist and political communications strategist living in Brooklyn. - Visit Ben's site.