Everything Is Going Swimmingly

"Hello, I'm Bludney Plud, and this is I Can't Believe It's Not News. Today we'd like to talk about the President's recent outstanding press conference and point out just what a real leader we have at the helm of our great nation. As you know, Mr. Bush is a champion of minority rights, and last night he stood up tall for the 30% of Americans who favor personal Social Security accounts. He said that he would not give in to the tyranny of the majority who want Social Security to remain some kind of socialistic insurance plan guaranteeing everyone a free ride in their golden years, but wants instead to make millionaires out of the select lucky few who have the courage and foresight to invest well. Mr. Bush also addressed our shameful lack of energy policy, correctly blaming the past administration for not having put one in place any time in the past four years. In addition, the president assured Americans that the conflict in Iraq is subsiding, and that the outlook for that nation is increasingly rosy. This reporter would like to mention the recent huge swim meet in the Tigris River and the appointment of Iraqi Cabinet officials, such as the well-known Ahmed Chalabi, as further proof that our mission there has been a resounding success. Finally, Mr. Bush once again called for a quick confirmation of the outstanding American patriot John Bolton as Ambassador to the communistic United Nations, a sentiment with which we here at I Can't Believe It's Not News heartily concur. We'll be back with more about the press conference after these messages and Charles Asshat with Today's Republican Moment. Charlie's topic for today is 'Democrats: Do They Really Worship Satan, or Do They Just Hate God?' Stay tuned..."