Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Hate Mail From Some Coward

An Open Letter to the Person Who Sporadically Sends Me Hate Mail When He Reads a Letter in the Newspaper from Me That He Doesn't Agree With:

Dear Cowardly Anonymous Troll --

Thank you very much for your latest missive. I especially appreciated the fact that you took the time to cut the letter I wrote out of the Sunday Datebook section of the SF Chronicle and write "BULL SHIT!" on it with your Sharpie. You have a fine handwriting style, bold and, dare I say, almost delicate in its firmness. Using all capital letters let me know that you are not fooling around here. I also liked how you defied the conventional wisdom and spelled out "BULL SHIT" as two separate words. You're definitely not a crowd-follower.

The text of the accompanying message itself leaves little doubt as to how you feel about the whole Stephen Colbert-White House Correspondent's Dinner affair, or, at least, Chronicle columnist Neva Chonin's take on it. And your assessment of my intelligence remains about the same as always, it would seem. You're obviously a man of strong convictions, albeit one who apparently doesn't have the courage to identify yourself or give a return address with which I might correspond with you. Over the years, I've occasionally had the desire to engage you in conversation or debate, but alas, you give me no way to do that with your calculated anonymity.

Just to let you know, despite your friendly attempt to address me as a chum, a pal, an acquaintance of long-standing ("Rickey, old boy..."), I should let you know that no one in my life has ever called me "Rick" or "Rickey." Where you got that, I don't know. I'm guessing you adopted it yourself as a means of luring me into the body of your message by presenting a false sense of camaraderie before you got to the part where you inform me that I have "shit for brains" and my "head up (my) ass." If so, may I say that I wasn't exactly fooled.

Double-underlining the word "Puke!!" after your rhetorical question ("You 'love' Neva's column?") was a nice touch, as was the stamp on the envelope with the picture of Bill Clinton in stripes and behind bars. I suppose you believe that I worship at the altar of All Things Clinton (Hillary, Bill, Chelsea, Billary, whatever), but the truth is that I'm really not so much of a fan of any of them -- although I did appreciate the fact that when Bill was president, we had a surplus and not nearly so much shredding of the Constitution. I suppose that from your perspective, the Clintons are dreaded "ultra-liberals;" but from my perspective, which is so far left of you as to be infra-red to your ultra-violet, the Clintons seem like moderate, Republican-Lite appeasers in many instances. I don't expect that you'll understand this point of view, but I thought I should share that with you just in case.

I notice that the postmark on this particular letter -- which was sent last Friday, and arrived in my mailbox yesterday -- was from Santa Clarita. I have to say, I actually preferred the one that you mailed from Napa a couple years ago. The reason for that was the line in that older one where you said that "Bush is GREAT GREAT GREAT!!!!!" (I may have left off an exclamation point or six; my memory is not what it once was.) I appreciate people with enthusiasm in their convictions. But there was no mention of your favorite president in this latest letter, and I have to say that I found that just a bit disappointing.

Anyway, in conclusion, thank you once again for thinking of me. I'll keep sending letters to the newspaper if you promise to keep sending me snail mail with your opinion of my positions. It would be really great, however, if, in the future, you sign your name or include a return address so that we might engage in a dialogue afterwards. These one-sided conversations are so unproductive!

Sincerely yours, etc.
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